The Numb Feeling
by deartinkerbell
Summary: So who wouldn't think of her of anything but happy. Everything about Rachel just screams happy-go-lucky, bright, bubbly. But maybe just maybe, looks can lie.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This is all based off of little quotes from One Tree Hill.

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><p>If anyone met Rachel Berry, one of the first things you would notice is her smile. She's <em>always <em>smiling. She dresses in _bright_ colors, she's a dancer, and an _amazing_ singer. Her music taste is _Broadway_,_ cheerful_, _up-beat_songs. So who wouldn't think of her of anything _but_ happy. Everything about Rachel just _screams_happy-go-lucky, bright, bubbly.

But maybe just _maybe_, looks can _lie_.

Would anyone ever think of, Rachel Berry as depressed? _Numb_? Maybe, her smiling face is lying. Her bright colors might just be a colorful _wall_, and the upbeat music? Maybe that's to help her _feel_ just a bit better. Would the thought of negative thoughts or numb feelings _ever _cross your mind?

Because, all Rachel Berry feels is _nothing_,_ numb_. She isn't bright as can be, her smile is a mask, the music is to help her. All Rachel feels is nothing, she gets negative thoughts a_ lot_. Her brain follows and listens to the negative thoughts _more_ than positive ones. Her heart has walls that hide her heart. Her walls of _bright_ colors, _fake_ smiles, and _happy_ music are to help her from getting hurt _again_.

She wasn't _always_ numb, no, she _was_ happy at one point in her life. She was more then happy, really. But, somewhere between turning 11 and entering high school, the numbness started building up. At age 10, her fathers were _always _around, helping her with whatever she was doing and she had _friends_. Her cousins were around, and she was just happy, _plain & simple_.

Somehow, the minute she turned 11 _everything_ changed for her. Her fathers work-'days' turned into work-'_nights_', her friends started to _drift,_ and her family started moving _away_. And her smile started to _fade_, a little more every day.  
>At 13, fathers' week-days&amp;nights became <em>weekends<em>, and she started to realize, she had only_ one_ friend left. Family wasn't even around anymore.  
>By the time she entered high school, she sees her fathers <em>one<em> day out of a whole week, sometimes a _month_. Her only friend moved to another state, and any family member that was around her age all moved away. She has a wall built now, and it's made of color and skirts. Her face has a mask, and the smile is only _50%_ real.

She's now 17, and her whole body is_ numb_. She tried cutting, and she _still_ felt nothing, she watched the blood fall from her wrist and_ nothing_. She sat in her room for hours, staring at the wall and could hear her own breathing.

Her fathers are out of town once _again_, and it's the third week in a row. The glee club is hosting a party at her house, and she's 99% sure she _isn't_ even invited. Everyone is sitting in her basement, having a great time while she's in her backyard laying underneath the tree, watching the clouds past by, used to the silence. Her thoughts sounding like every known person that hates her, and her just ignoring the tears wanting to fall from her eyes.

Soon enough, her silence and thoughts are _interrupted_.

She looks up at her backdoor being slammed closed by Mike. She noticed his face has a look of _worry_ on it. She's asking herself _why would he care?_. He walks over towards her and sits down against the tree, while she stays laying down and looking up at the sky.,

"Why are you out here? Isn't this your house?"  
>He breaks the silence, and shockingly he sounds <em>confused<em> and _worried_mixed into one.

"Honestly? I didn't feel welcomed, so I came out here to think. how long was I gone?"

"A while, Brittany was getting worried and it was between me and her into finding you, but Santana pulled Brittany into a kiss and yeah"

She let's out a humorless laugh, "So, what? you two are worried about me? This is _gold_, seeing as I was gone for so long and only _two_ out of _13_ people noticed. What a shocker, what? Was it _too_quiet?"

"What? No, Brittany tried talking everyone into looking for you- they just, uh got caught up?"

She ignored him and looked up at the sky, hoping and praying he'll just go away.

"What's wrong Rachel?"

"Nothing, _absolutely_, nothing. Just leave me alone"

"Are you sure? You're _so_ quiet, and you seem _so_far away."

She looks away from the sky and at Mike, he's already looking at her and has a now, _very_worried look written on his face:

"I'm just _peachy_, Why can't you just _leave_me alone?"

"Because I'm worried."

"No you're not"

"Yes, I am."

"no"

"Rachel, unless you'd rather speak with Brittany. we're going to be here all night til you tell me what's wrong."

She didn't answer him, just looked up at the sky again. Completely ignoring the worried boy, and tears rolling off her cheek. Her mind getting the yet again hurtful voice named, _Santana_ telling her he _didn't_ and _will not_care for her.

"Why won't you talk to me?"

"Maybe because we've _never_ spoken to one another. Maybe it's because you honestly _don't_ care about me. I don't need anyone, I'm perfectly_ fine_by myself"

"Rach, I'm sorry we never really got to meet. But, I do care. I wouldn't be here if I didn't, I loved to get to know you. And no, everyone needs someone"

She scoffed looking away, "Liar"

"No you're the liar"

"I don't have to tell you anything"

"Well get cozy, we're staying here _all_ night"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It's dark now, and she's still laying on her back staring at the now star filled sky, and ignoring the boy sitting next to her. She's still unsure why he's even up here, or why he would even care. He's with Tina, why should he care whether _Rachel-Freak-Berry_ is okay or not? When he has Tina.  
>She's pretty sure everyone is either, asleep in her basement &amp; guest room or they just left.<p>

"Just talk, I don't care if its even about stupid- one tree hill. Talk to me, please?"

She looks up at him, before opening her mouth.  
>"I'm not a fan of One Tree Hill, I love Peyton's artwork though. Mostly her<em> 'people always leave'<em>one."

"Why?"

"Because they do, they'll always leave. I'm used to people leaving me, I'm _used_ to being alone. I don't want to get close to anyone anymore, because they'll just.. _Leave_"

she sits up and moves away making sure to be facing away from him.

"What do you mean they'll just leave?"

"They do. Somehow, some way I drive people _away_"

"Let me help you, let me in. I won't go away, I promise"

"No"

She becomes quiet again, and he takes over. He gets up and walks around and forces her to look at him, he kneels in front of her.  
>"Don't do that, don't push me away. I <em>want<em> to help, I _want_to be your friend. You can't push me away. Let me in"

She shakes her head.

"Explain to me then, why are you quiet? Why do you think people leave you? How come you can just sit here and let tears fall and not even sob?"

"Because, I'm _numb_, Mike. I'm numb, I feel _nothing_. I have to tell myself to be happy. I don't feel_ sad_, _mad_. whatever, feeling you can name I _can't_ feel. I tried _cutting_, did you know that?"  
>She moved her sleeve up and put her wrist into his face.<p>

"I tried cutting to feel something, and guess what? I didn't feel _anything_. I tried changing, and it didn't work. Tried telling myself to be happy. I've been like this, for now, _years_. I'm just numb, I'm never going to feel_anything_."

He let go of her face and drops to sit in front of her.

"What do you mean you're numb? You have to feel somethings"

"I can't, I don't feel anything. I've been like this since I was _eleven_. Nothing affects me anymore, all of my family members moved away, my friends started to drift and my fathers started working late. now, I don't have any friends. My fathers only stop by a day out of the whole month. I'm _used_to it. So what would be the point?"

"But Rach-"

"There's _no_ point Michael, I'm stuck being numb. I doubt I can feel again, it's been _seven _years."

"Thats a lie, give me the time and I'll make you feel something. Rach, everyone needs to feel something. And _you_ deserve it the most!"

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><p><strong>AN:** I would've made it so it was Puck that'll help her, but i write a bit too much with puck.. so its a cherry one :D I love cherry as much as puckleberry. & plus Mike is one of the sweetest characters on glee, even if he just now barely getting a storyline...

the review button is waiting to be hit on ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Apparently my very active mind thought it would be nice to have writers block, for months.

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><p><em>"That's a lie, give me the time and I'll make you feel something. Rach, everyone needs to feel something. And <em>you_ deserve it the most!"_

It struck her hard. He left shortly after telling her that, and that he'll be here on Monday at 7am. She couldn't tell you how she _felt_ when he said those things, because she can't explain it. It's been a while since she last felt something. She's always been alone, and now that Mike is pushing to be in her life, it's a change for her. Everyone left her like she was nothing, and now someone wanting to be in her life? It's honestly new to her. She knows she can't avoid him, because he's coming on Monday. And, she can't avoid Brittany either, mainly because how sweet she is and because Brittany always does what she has in mind.  
>She wishes she could be like Brittany, so childlike naive. Sweet and likable. She does want to feel again, just not today. Because whatever feeling she has, doesn't feel right.<p>

All she knows now, is Mike isn't going to give up.  
>Unlike what Mike thinks, she'd rather feel nothing. It feels <em>better<em>, it's _easier_ to feel nothing.

-x-

As she got dressed for school on Monday, hearing a knock on the door, she knew it was Mike. She was hoping he would forget what happened, but she doubts he'll just forget that she's pretty much lifeless.  
>"Good Morning Rachel" He smiled as she opened the door and let him in, "so, I was thinking-"<p>

"Michael, I'm not some _project _for you."

he sighed, "It's not like I'm treating up like one. But, I do want to help you."

"Well, maybe I don't need help." She glared at him, "and don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Tina and I- we've, we've been growing apart. Rachel, come on, let me help you- show you that you can feel again. I want to see you happy, sad, angry and everything else."

Rachel shook her head, "Try all you want, I'm not making promises for you." She saw him smile and she faked one, then followed him out of her house.

"Trust me Rachel, I'm sure I can help you realize you aren't as numb as you think you are" He said as he climbed into his car, she followed him and nodded.

It's quiet. A little _too_ quiet, even for Mike. Rachel learned early on, he's the quiet type but, not this quiet. She was tempted to turn the radio on, and let the music fill the very much awkward ride. She wanted to curse out loud, and she didn't know why but she blurted out.  
>"you know how in dreams, you're always trying to get to some place you need to be but you never really get there?"<p>

To say Mike was surprised she talked without being talked to, was an understatement. "Yeah?"

"i'm trying to wake up. You're the first person to actually try to prove my feelings are still here. I'm trying to wake up from this, this horrible dream." She stared ahead of her, but turned and snuck a look at Mike. Sighing, she continued.  
>"My life is a blur, Mike, and everyone around me is moving and I'm stuck in this black hole. A black hole, that took everything away from me. And I want to get out, tried so many times but I end up falling"<p>

"Why not ask someone for help?"

A bitter laugh came out, "Everyone hates me, remember? I was best friends with Kurt, Noah and I grew up together. Before Quinn came along, Santana actually looked at me without laughing. But after some point, they all realized how, how lame I am or crazy I am. whatever the reason is, they all hate me now. So who leaves that? Mr. Schue? As much as he hides it, he could care less of me. He likes it that I don't talk, even though he shouldn't do that. He's a teacher, and yet, you can tell he favors everyone over me. Mercedes down right hates me, and voices it too much. And everyone else just doesn't care. You're the only one who seems different."

He smiles at that point but it fades, "Santana was your friend? for how long?"

"For almost three years, we were just kids. But it doesn't matter anymore, just like me and Noah- we grew apart."  
>As soon as he parks, she's out of the car and gone in a heartbeat.<br>He spends the rest of the day til he sees her again, wondering how he ever missed kid Rachel and kid Santana hanging out.

The next time he does see her, is their science class together. He sits nests to her and hopes she doesn't move.

She doesn't, but she also doesn't speak to him. Or even respond to his note.

-x-

Mike tried everything to get her to talk to him, their even partners in their science class because they sat next to each other. But nothing worked, she just shut down on him. And he thought it was going fine, she was actually talking to him.

He guesses he can only get her to talk for only a while.

He went looking for her during lunch, and he couldn't find her in the normal spots; the bleachers, the auditorium, the cafeteria, the choir room, even in the bathroom (he asked some girl to look). He almost gave up, that is til he was walking back to the field to play football with Puck, when he saw someone on the top of his car.

"Why are you at my car?"

She sat up and looked at him, "I knew you'd look for me, and the one place you should look, you never look."

"But, why my car?"

She shrugged and laid back down, "I wanted to be alone, and not many people hang out around the cars, and since you're the only one I know that won't get pissed."

He just nodded, still shocked.  
>"Why are you ignoring me now?"<p>

"I said I wanted to be alone, it's not ignoring just you, I'm ignoring_ everyone_."

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><p><strong>AN**: I'm so so _so_ sorry about not updating this.  
>If you read the oneshots I've uploaded or anything else I've posted, I've said that I get writers block. Which is true. Lately, I've had it for over a couple months.<br>Though, I have a very active mind, I can't seem to get anything out of me. It was a shock when I got "Talk in Your Sleep" out of me. So That's why I haven't posted.

I actually have no idea where this is going anymore. So if you have any ideas that could help me, feel free to message me!

Sorry that this is short :(  
>the review button is waiting to be hit on ;)<p> 


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